I'd like a coffee, not an aneurysm, please.

It's hot. It's damn hot.

In this kind of weather I like to have a cold coffee drink. Unfortunately, by the time I've arrived at the local cafe, I'm drenched in sweat and my brain can never seem to work out the massively overcomplicated drinks on offer.

For instance, at Starbucks, I like to have a Grande Caramel Coffee Frappuccino. And there's no way to abbreviate that order, if I leave anything off I either get the wrong thing or I get a funny look and a follow-up question from the cashier. I can't just say "Grande Caramel Frappuchino" because there is a 'Creme' version as well as a coffee version. Yesterday, I left off the 'caramel' part and got a plain version.

These places consider themselves too chichi to go down the McDonalds route and just give us some easy numbers, as in "I'd like a #28, please -- Grande-size me!"

One time, I was so focussed on getting my order right that I cleared my heat-baked mind of anything else, and when I arrived at the counter, I blurted out "one grande caramel coffee frappuccino please!"

I breathed a sigh of relief, but to my surprise, I was still getting funny looks from the cashier. "Sir," she said, "this is Costa -- would you like a Medio Frescato?"